Six Steps to Parent Feedback Success: #4 Being Interactive and Flexible

In the earlier posts in this series we discussed identifying parents strengths, using a thoughtful strategy, and being future and improvement focused.  This article will focus on being interactive and flexible.  This is the hardest step for me.  It also runs counter to most of our experience with feedback.  In school I received papers returned with the teachers’ marks on them; hardly, interactive or flexible.  This feedback pattern continued into adulthood.  I once worked for a university that had a performance review process, where the supervisor filled out a long form, then read it out loud to the supervisee, and the supervisee had to sign it.  I guess it fulfilled management’s need, but as a supervisor and supervisee, I hated it.  It was neither interactive, nor flexible; moreover, it didn’t promote positive change.  This personal experience makes the step of being interactive and flexible particularly important to me.   

If you have been following this series, you might very well say, “Phil, you are being contradictory”, and point out that I recommend forming a strategy and having a clear goal before starting feedback.  Part of your strategy needs to include thinking through how you will be interactive and flexible.  Though you have a goal, it needs to flexible, because how you reach the goal is best planned in partnership with the parent.  Thinking this through is all part of your preparation in giving feedback.  This time, let’s start with the practical tip.

Practical Tip: 

Phrase your suggestion in the form of a question.  For example, for a parent who needs to improve on Open to Child’s Agenda, KIPS item #5, you might ask, “When it seems like Sara is losing interest in what you are doing, could you pause and check what her cues show she is interested in?” Or for an older child, “When you think it might be time to play with something else.  Why not ask Jason what he wants to do next?”  

By converting a suggestion into a question it becomes interactive and flexible.  Questions invite dialog, and flexibility comes from the ensuing interaction. Most commonly, the parent will comprehend the value of the suggestion, and you can offer to monitor progress and provide support as the parent improves.  However, if in response to your question, the parent responds, “Why would I want to do that?”  This is an indication that you need to provide some information on the topic.  If the parent responds in a way that indicates she was aware of the importance of where you want her to go, but was unaware that change in behavior was indicated, then you can partner with her in better self-assessing her behavior.  No matter how the parent responds, you get valuable information in tailoring your support.  Thats what we mean by flexible.

Analogous to item #8 on the KIPS parenting assessment, Adapting Strategies, when giving feedback you can monitor the parent’s cues and adapt your feedback to the reponse.  If the feedback is welcomed, you proceed one way; if you sense resistance, then you proceed differen

If after assessing parenting you follow all the steps in giving feedback, most often the parent will welcome the opportunity to improve.  After all, it comes from a trusted source, who 1) recognizes many positive things about me, 2) consciously works to protect my self-esteem, 3) focuses on my improvement and future, and 4) is interactive and flexible.  If the parent welcomes your feedback, what will you do to support and extend the opportunity for improvement?  If the parent is unclear of the benefits of your suggestion, how will you provide more information in a way it might be best understood?  If the parent shows resistance, what will you do to understand the source of the resistance?  Are there other paths the parent might prefer on the way to improvement? 

Each of the 6 steps we will be discussing in this series are complementary.  The more of the 6 steps you employ, the more likely your feedback will accepted, used and produce benefit. 

What do you do to be interactive and flexible when giving a parent feedback?