Assessing Parenting to Develop: Social Intelligence & Gratitude
In Paul Tough’s book, How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity and the Hidden Power of Character, Tough discusses seven character traits that Angela Duckworth and colleagues have focused on as key to children’s success:
- Grit,
- Self-Control,
- Zest,
- Social Intelligence,
- Gratitude,
- Optimism,
- Curiosity.
Tough continually stresses the importance of parenting, for example:
It turns out there is a particularly effective antidote to the ill effect of early stress, and it comes not from pharmaceutical companies or early-childhood educators but from parents. Parents and other caregivers who are able to form close nurturing relationships with their children can foster resilience in them that protects them from the worst effects of a harsh earlier environment. This message can sound a bit warm and fuzzy, but it is rooted in cold, hard science. The effect of good parenting is not just emotional or psychological, the neuroscientists say: it is biochemical. (Paul Tough, p.28)
In last week’s post we explored the interaction of parenting, parenting assessment and the first three of the seven traits: Grit, Self-Control, and Zest. Particularly, we explored how a parenting assessment could guide parents in promoting the traits in their children. This post will look at the next two: Social Intelligence and Gratitude. I was planning to complete this series with this post, but found it warrants yet one more, where we explore optimism and curiosity.
By identifying the parenting behaviors that support development of a character trait, we could support parents in improving their behaviors with the aim of promoting this trait in children. We will start by defining the trait, and then explore which parenting behaviors might be most involved in developing the particular trait. We will use the Keys to Interactive Parenting Scale (KIPS) to illustrate this connection. In the slide show below we show which behaviors assessed by KIPS are most likely to promote the next two traits, beginning with a slide summarizing the previous blog post on grit, self-control and zest. (Click on the arrows beneath the slides to advance to the next slide.)
Social Intelligence
According to Martin Seligman, Social Intelligence is knowledge of self and others. Social Intelligence includes an awareness of others’ feelings, temperament, and motives, and the ability to act upon these distinctions (Martin Seligman, Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being, p. 247). Both self knowledge, as well as sensitivity to others are important aspects of social intelligence. Heckman and others have referred to social intelligence as well as some of these other traits as soft skills:
The larger message of this paper is that soft skills predict success in life, that they causally produce that success, and that programs that enhance soft skills have an important place in an effective portfolio of public policies. (James Heckman, 2012)
Which parental behaviors might develop social intelligence? Social intelligence is such a broad construct that, when considering the 12 behaviors that KIPS assesses, 8 items come to mind as good candidates. Actually, this makes sense because KIPS measures the overall quality of the parent’s contribution to social interactions between the parent and child. These early interactions within the family are where a child first learns to read, respond and explore variations in their own and others’ actions, language, and emotional expressions. It is during these early parent-child experiences that children begin learning social intelligence, which lays the foundation for later social interactions with peers and adults as children venture from their homes into the community.
Since social intelligence involves responding to others, how the parent understands and responds to the child’s need would very likely have strong impact (assessed under KIPS items #1 Sensitivity of Responses and #2 Supports Emotions). How one interacts with others physically is another important aspect of social intelligence, and is something parents can model as another way of responding to others’ needs (assessed under KIPS Item #3 Physical Interaction). How present and available someone is when interacting with another person is a key attribute of social intelligence. Parents can model these behaviors (assessed under KIPS item #4 Involvement). An important aspect of social intelligence is choosing appropriate activities when interacting with others. Parents can encourage children to pursue activities of interest by following their lead during play (assessed under KIPS item #5 Agenda). Developing conversational ability also is part of social intelligence. Under Language Experiences in KIPS (item #6), the highest quality level involves the parent listening, turn-taking, building and extending the child’s contributions, and linking with common experiences. Respecting common social norms and personal boundaries is part of social intelligence. Parents help children learn safety and social rules, and appropriate behavior through setting safe and reasonable boundaries and consequences (assessed under KIPS item #9 Limits & Consequences).
Gratitude
Gratitude is derived from the Latin Gratia, which means grace. Gratitude is the appreciation of good things that happen in one’s life, even the small ones, and the kindness of others (Martin Seligman, Flourish, page 260). Beyond appreciation, the ability to openly express gratitude is another aspect of this character trait. Our brains are wired so that we are never completely satisfied for long. If most of us were easily satisfied, then our species would have died out long ago, and civilization would not advance. Thus, cultivating gratitude every day counteracts our natural tendency to negate the good by focusing on the deficits, problems and annoyances in life. Actively cultivating gratitude has profound positive psychological impacts (For more on this topic, I highly recommend Martin Seligman’s book Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being). To cultivate gratitude my family starts dinner with everyone at the table sharing three things that happened today for which they are grateful.
Parents can promote the development of gratitude in children through expressing it themselves and supporting the child in recognizing and expressing gratitude (assessed under KIPS item #2 Supports Emotions). Another part of gratitude is recognizing excellence in others and supporting others. Parents can model and promote these behaviors in children, as assessed under KIPS item #11 Encouragement.
In the next, post we will finish this series by considering the character traits of Optimism and Curiosity. What do you think parents specifically do to promote Grit, Self-Control, Zest, Social Intelligence, and Gratitude? We would love to read your thoughts in the Comment section below.
Personally, I felt that my early schooling in the 1960s and 1970s worked very hard to stifle my curiosity. So it is my distinct pleasure to serve as the evaluator of an inquiry math and science program, a collaboration of the Allentown School District and the Da Vinci Science Center. Observing K-8 classrooms using inquiry based instruction that supports exploration and curiosity is extremely rewarding. I know I am seeing quality instruction when I feel jealous of the students being well-supported in their exploration and curiosity. Learning math and science can be fun! Not only are the children learning science and math, but the important trait of curiosity is being nourished. The skills we look for in a good inquiry-based teacher and a parent are remarkably similar. The goal of both is for the child to develop the habits of mind that eventually allow them to be thoughtful, resilient, and productive members of society.