Six Steps to Parent Feedback Success: #2 Protecting Self-Esteem

In earlier articles, we discussed identifying the positive and starting with a thoughtful strategy.  Now we turn to the importance of protecting self-esteem.  Hendrie Weissenger says, “Productive criticism acts on the assumption that a person’s self-esteem is his or her most important possession” (H. Weissenger, 1989 The Critical Edge, Harper Row, p 12).  He defines self-esteem as the confidence and satisfaction one has with oneself.  The six steps to parent feedback success combine to protect parent self-esteem while promoting improvement in parenting practice

A mother or father has much invested in being a parent, so we need to tread very carefully in giving feedback.  

When giving feedback, we need to recognize that what we say and what is heard can differ remarkably.  You might suggest something like, “Watch your baby’s expressions to guide you in seeing if she wants more.”  Mom might hear, You think I am insensitive and uncaring.  The 6 steps we are exploring combine together to improve the chances that your message will get through as intended.

When conducting a parenting assessment, some people find giving low scores difficult, because they consider a low score a judgment.  However, thinking of low-scoring behaviors as discoveries of opportunities for improvement helps many overcome it.  By gently guiding the parent toward the specific higher-scoring behaviors, you can protect self-esteem.

Video coupled with parenting assessment can prove particularly valuable.  Athletes spend much time with their coach “breaking down film” to find out how they can do better. Why not use video in coaching parents?  The aim is not to point out all the missteps the parent made, which could damage self-esteem.  Instead, you can aim to become a partner in improvement, like a coach.  One way to do this is by sitting side by side, watching videos, and figuring out together what we could do differently.  Having the video in front of you both allows you to objectively discuss the past actions and plan what to try next.  Looking together at the screen, shoulder to shoulder puts you in a partnership orientation.  A leader in the use of video with parents is the Seeing is Believing Online Course from the Center for Early Learning and Development from the University of Minnesota.

Another important aspect of protecting self-esteem is choosing a limited number of goals at a time.  One goal at a time may be ideal.  Too many goals may overwhelm the parent and actually damage self-esteem.  By focusing on one attainable goal, the parent has a manageable task.  In fact, making progress on a goal builds self-esteem.  A parenting assessment scale can document this progress, proving the results from the effort.  Be sure to celebrate this genuine success; it builds self-esteem.

Practical FEEDBACK TIP: I vs. You

Now let’s turn to something practical.  Rather than saying, you did or you should, when giving feedback, try using “I” statements.  “You” statements can be seen as a command or even a put down.  In contrast, using “I” statements such as, When I‘m in that situation, I watch your baby’s expression on his face to guide me if he wants more.  Or, The way I do it is … What do you think of that approach?  These are much easier to hear.  By using “I” statements, you give the parent some psychological space to consider your suggestion.